


thank you, sorry

by handulce



Series: vibe hour (but not really) [2]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, PLEASE READ THE TW, Park Seonghwa-centric, Post-Break Up, Projection, References to Depression, Relapsing, Suicidal Thoughts, They Were So Happy, but man keeps isolating himself, hongjoong just wants to know what's wrong, lapslock, not really tho, platonic Seongsang, semi chat fic, seonghwa feels bad, seonghwa needs help, what about it, why isnt that an official tag, yeosang best boy, yes im projecting onto my faves again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:20:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27854130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handulce/pseuds/handulce
Summary: they were so happy, plans of marriage, starting a family, and adopting pets were something they were so sure of.things happen, and the future they had built together so tenderly under the soft covers of seonghwa's lilac blanket, have now been lost.feelings ensue, someone falls out of love, the other? not so much
Relationships: Kang Yeosang/Park Seonghwa, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Series: vibe hour (but not really) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035012
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	thank you, sorry

**Author's Note:**

> !! TW !!  
> references/topics of self harm, self harm relapsing, (minor) insecurity/self doubt, and (minor) self deprecating thoughts, suicidal ideation, and just generally not taking care of oneself 
> 
> there are no scenes that include the boys harming themselves, but please do not read if any of these topics trigger or cause discomfort.
> 
> also !! idk how college works so imma pretend exams last for a month on average, but each student only has a week worth of exams, so that would be five days of exams for each person, but the exams for every clase/every student lasts for a month. make sense? okay :D

"seonghwa?" yeosang's gentle voice called out, snapping him out of the sudden interest to the ice cubes in his drink. "you okay there?" he whispered, cautious s to not gain the attention from any of the six boys situated at the booth.

"yeah..." he whispered, albeit a little shaky, "just tired. you know, exams are coming up."

yeosang, although a little sceptic, dropped the topic.

the boys had all agreed to meet up at an arcade style pizzeria, with exam season coming up, they knew that there would be little time- if any at all, to socialize with each other. normally, seonghwa would enjoy this type of scene, blending into the background and watching the seven fools he called his friends embarrass themselves with their antics. 

but seonghwa has been feeling off lately. 

he adjusted his hair, which was now getting oily and flat after two days of skipping his nightly shower, and tried his best to hide behind the too-short fringe of ashy pink. seonghwa glanced to his right, where hongjoong sat, and cuddled himself up to his boyfriend's side.

he didn't need to look to see the smile that lit up the younger's face.

but he didn't _want_ to look. he would feel too guilty.

* * *

_"i'll love you forever, you know? even when you don't want me to."_

_"i would never want you to stop, stupid."_

_the words exchanged were soft and whispered, as if they were trying not to wake any sleeping bodies despite being the only two in the simplistic apartment._

_seonghwa felt warm and fuzzy, though his eyes were puffy and red, and his nose was still slightly runny. he knew that hongjoong would never be angry at him for relapsing, he had no idea what made him think otherwise._

_"i love you joong." he whispered, cuddling closer to the smaller man and smiling._

_"i love you too hwa." he pressed a kiss to seonghwa's forehead, "i can't wait to marry you."_

_the words set off the cave of butterflies in his stomach, making the blood rush to his face in embarrassment._

_hongjoong's laughed heartily at this, "no matter how many times i say it, you always blush. you're adorable."_

* * *

seonghwa's head throbbed, endless papers and unfinished workbooks scattered all over the desk and at the foot of his chair. his hair was messy, oily, and tangled from pulling and ruffling it too many times. 

his bed was undone, lilac blanket strewn messily over the white sheet, pillows wrinkled and out of place, his laundry basket overflowing with weeks of skipped laundry.

it was so unhygienic, so dirty. seonghwa hated dirty. but the growing pile of dirty dishes and the particles of dust on every surface, seonghwa just didn't have the motivation to be clean.

in more ways than one.

the boy hissed as the fabric of his sweats rubbed against the fresh wounds on his thighs. despite being the loosest pair of pants he owned, they still hurt like a bitch.

seonghwa hadn't felt that for a while. but the desire to replace old scars with new ones, along with the overall stress of exam season and the prominent feeling of sadness and more generally, emptiness, it was getting difficult _not_ to. 

tears began forming in his eyes, but he harshly wiped them away at the reminder of the many, many empty study guides and blank note pages.

his phone, long forgotten in the mass of blanket, let out a soft ping. seonghwa paid no mind to it, no matter how many more times it went off.

exams were coming up, he had to get above average scores, anything else is simply unacceptable. 

it was almost laughable, the difference in how he treated others compared to himself. seonghwa distinctly remembers, when he had met yeosang all the way back in middle school, the younger had always come to him for comfort after getting bad test scores. and comfort the younger he did, whispering words of validation and reassurance to the best of his abilities. 

' _it's okay, it's just one test, this doesn't define your intelligence. the school system is fucked anyway. you have a bright future ahead of you sangie_.'

he tried to tell himself the same, he swears he did. but there's something about himself, something that makes him different and therefore less deserving of those words compared to everyone else. 

"hwa?" 

a voice startled him out of his thoughts, making seonghwa flinch. he turned to his now opened door, his boyfriend's small figure peeking in hesitantly.

"when did you get here joong?" seonghwa croaked, voice scratchy after days of not using it.

he hasn't left his home since they met at the pizzeria three days ago, other than to go to his exams. he wasn't allowed to talk during those anyway.

"i texted you a few minutes ago." the younger walked into the room, closing the door behind him. hongjoong knew seonghwa hated it when his bedroom door was left open. "you haven't been answering your phone love, the boys and i were worried about you." his face formed a slight frown at the sight of his boyfriend's disheveled appearance. "you don't look too good, have you even been taking care of yourself, hwa?"

seonghwa's heart filled with dread, he definitely did not want to have this conversation right now. hongjoong has dealt with enough of his breakdowns, and in all honesty, seonghwa just wanted to be left alone.

"i'll be fine hongjoong." which was more of a truth than telling him he was fine, because he wasn't. "i'm a little busy right now, do you think we can hang out and talk about this another day?" 

"seonghwa, don't do this. you know you're not going to talk about it if i don't push you to. how long have you been studying anyway? have you even taken a break? have you even eaten today?"

he knew hongjoong was saying these things out of worry and care, he knew that, but with every word that came out of the blueberry-haired boy's mouth, the more irritated he grew. he just wanted to be alone, he wanted to wallow and sulk with his thoughts in the small suffocating room. he wanted to be left alone to rot.

"hongjoong i said i'll be fine, can we not talk about this now? i'm busy." seonghwa gritted out, eyes not leaving the pile of unorganized papers situated on his desk. he really didn't mean for it to come out as harsh as it sounded. he just wanted to be left alone.

"oh." hongjoong whispered, his eyes holding hurt and sadness. "okay, i'll tell the boys you're not dead at least then." hongjoong tried to joke, but seonghwa wished he was. "i love you, i'll text you okay? i hope you feel better."

and he left, no evidence of his presence left, other than the slight crack in his bedroom door to prove he was there.

seonghwa sighed, and lifted himself off the uncomfortable swirly chair begrudgingly. he hated it when his bedroom door was left open.

* * *

_"joooooooooong!" seonghwa chimed, clinging tightly to the shorter man's arm, a pout adorning his plush pink lips. "class was so boring~ let's go on a date! i'm really craving some subway!"_

_hongjoong laughed, eyes admiring the way seonghwa quickly switched topics from subway, to how, **professor song grades so weirdly** , and how, **he's the reason why his grade went down from an A to a B plus**. hongjoong never interrupted him, ever. no matter how many times hongjoong has heard it, he looks at seonghwa as if he were hearing it for the first time all over again. _

_the pair walked all the way to the campus subway, hongjoong not once losing the look of admiration in his eyes for the older boy. one look at hongjoong and everyone could tell he was absolutely gone for seonghwa. if the twinkle in his usually disinterested eyes weren't enough, then the way he always ran from his class across campus just to pick him up when lectures ended, was definitely a giveaway._

_after ordering without problem, the two sat down on a tall table in the middle of the restaurant, peacefully eating their sandwiches without breaking the silence. it was always like this, no matter how quiet it was, the silence was never uncomfortable._

_seonghwa kept taking glances at the cookie hongjoong had bought, and hongjoong being the whipped man he was, gave them up without seonghwa asking._

* * *

the day after hongjoong came unannounced (but not really unannounced), seonghwa walked out of his second to last final exam, body sluggish from lack of rest and head throbbing from overactivity. he just wanted to go back home and curl up in his lilac blanket, and sleep until the next day came.

he was extremely worried about the test he just took, his brain was slow with every answer and he had to reread the questions an embarrassingly numerous amount of times because he just couldn't focus. 

"hey" a voice called out, along with someone tapping him on the shoulder. hongjoong. 

"hi" seonghwa responded meekly. his social battery was not full enough to be talking to anyone, as guilty as he felt for it, he just wanted to go home. 

"do you want to go on a date? get something to eat?" hongjoong offered hopefully, intertwining his hand with seonghwa's. there was no clinging to the other's arm or long whines about shitty teachers. 

"i think i just want to go home joong." seonghwa whispered quietly, trying to brush off the guilt he felt once hongjoong's eyes fell in disappointment. it didn't last for long though, quickly pulling himself back together as he gave an ultimatum. 

"that's fine hwa! i'm sure you're tired! exams are tough, but you're almost done aren't you? you've been doing so well~" Hongjoong sang, brushing some of the oily strands of hair that fell on seonghwa's equally oily face. 

seonghwa is sure his body odor was vile, just like the rest of him. 

"we can eat at your apartment if you want, instead."

"actually i kind of just wanted to go to sleep joong." 

"oh that's fine too! we can-" hongjoong was bordering on desperate, and it was irritating the hell out of seonghwa. 

"by myself hongjoong..." he grumbled lowly, detaching himself from hongjoong's hold and briskly walking back to his apartment.

seonghwa didn't look back to see hongjoong's face contort into that or both worry and hurt.

as soon as he arrived at his apartment, he slid his shoes off and made a beeline towards his room, ignoring the unkempt state of his kitchen and living room. seonghwa shuffled himself into a comfortable position in his bed, and he lie there. he lay there still, eyes unmoving from the light gray walls and the pictures hanging from them.

seonghwa glanced at the phone that somehow fell from the bed to the floor, how long has it been since he's unlocked it? it even looked it it?

he's been reliant on the analog clock on his nightstand and the desk calendar strewn somewhere on the floor. 

reaching for it, he plugged it in slowly, the phone was cold from being unused. 

waiting for it to charge properly, he patiently set it next to his pillow, eyes trailing back to the pictures on the wall. many pictures of him an yeosang from middle school all the way to the present, and photos of their continuously growing friend group. 

and pictures of he nd hongjoong. 

hongjoong.

seonghwa, caught up in his hurricane of emotions, hasn't exactly been the best boyfriend he could be. constantly snapping at the poor boy and pushing him away. come to think of it, when was the last time seonghwa felt the same butterflies he once felt arounf the boy before?

**joongie** ♡ 

hey

can we talk?

oh of course seongie 

what's up? 

are you okay?

i guess

i just

i dont think i can handle being in a relationship right now

like mentally

im sorry 

i havent been the best towards you

and that's not fair to do that 

i really hope we can still be friends though

because you're one of my closest friends 

before anything else 

oh

of course hwa 

i understand 

take your time okay?

i'll be here for you no matter what

dont feel too guilty

i could tell something was wrong

i'll always wait for you hwa 

_seen 12:12 pm_

seonghwa laughed bitterly, because he broke up with how boyfriend over text.

because doing so hurt him, even though he knew it was the right thing to do.

because he knew that hongjoong's effort to wait would be futile.

but it mattered not, because once seonghwa was gone, there would be nothing to hurt about. 

* * *

seonghwa didn't show up to his last exam the day after. instead, choosing to stay in and clean the living hell out of the filth in his apartment. he did everything from the dishes to the laundry to the bathroom, showering in it right after and sighing in content as the body oils were washed away.

he almost felt like he was okay for a few hours, forgetting about all his problems momentarily, as if they never happened. 

* * *

_"hwa it's okay, things happen, it's okay to get like this. it's okay" hongjoong reassured as he helped seonghwa tidy up the days worth of undone dishes._

_"it's gross joongie... it makes me feel so gross... seeing this mess makes me so stressed but i don't have the motivation to do anything about it..." seonghwa cried in response, letting the tears fall freely as his hands were currently bubbled up with dish soap._

_hongjoong clicked his tongue, and gave seonghwa an empathetic look, "it's okay my love, once we get married, i'll always be there to help you when you feel like that okay?" seonghwa blushed slightly, and hongjoong's light chuckle ensued. "i'm going to be honest though hwa, and don't feel offended by this but-" hongjoong glanced at seonghwa hesitantly, before continuing, "i think you might have some undiagnosed mental illness my love. possibly depression, but i think it'd be best to get consulted about that."_

_hongjoong spoke softly, almost as if his words would break the boy next to him._

_and in reality, seonghwa agreed with him. but going to school and renting an apartment wasn't easy financially. seonghwa wasn't struggling per say- he thankfully had a well enough pay to keep up with bills, groceries, and school fines (that one was thanks to his partial scholarship), but medical bills were expensive. more so than he can afford. hongjoong knew this._

_"and when we get married seonghwa, i promise i'll make sure that happens."_

_seonghwa's cave of butterflies went crazy once again._

* * *

it's been days since finals month ended, and his phone was blowing up with messages from the groupchat with the seven of them, private messages from yeosang, hongjoong, and everyone else. 

its not like he was purposefully ignoring them, he just thought, this way, it would be easier for them to get over him once he was gone for good. 

he found solace in his old blades again, his dependence on them growing by the day.

a new message startled him out of his stupor. irritated with the amount he was getting, he chose to shut the phone off completely.

he still caught glimpse of the message hongjoong sent, telling seonghwa he was still hopeful for their future. 

seonghwa lost that same hope once the butterflies in his stomach went dead silent.

like a ghost, seonghwa wandered though his house, not noticing when he went to the bathroom or when he managed to buy groceries. 

he lost count of the amount of times silent tears fell down his face or the amount of times he simply couldn't cry.

seonghwa kept ignoring the messages, and eventually they stopped coming. (except for hongjoong's and yeosang's, but it's been long since he muted them)

seonghwa slept and slept, growing more tired by the days. 

* * *

**hongjoong**

seonghwa 

i know you probably don't want to talk to me

seeing as you only open all my messages

or you just turned your read receipts off...

but i still have hope for us

and i'll wait for you

and i'll be here for you 

i told you i wouldn't stop loving you even if you wanted me to 

and i still stand by that 

whenever you're ready to seonghwa, please come home 

_delivered 2:42 am_

**Author's Note:**

> mayhaps this was very self indulgent.... i recently broke up with my gf because i was way too mentally unstable to handle being in a relationship.. and i was thinking about it a few days after, and i had realized that i was falling out of love, and i was more in love the idea of her and having a gf/being in a relationship.
> 
> it was shitty of me, and i feel terrible, but i think i did the right thing in breaking up with her. 
> 
> don't lead people on kids its not cash money! also stream thank you, sorry by got7 heehee


End file.
